Why some couples while others fizzle spicy? Social scientists study no sex-marriage clues about what can go wrong in relationships.
Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, slightly more than once a week, according to data from the General Social Survey, which monitored the behavior Social Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in this number. Married people have sex less than 30 years about 111 times a year. And an estimated 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse during the six months to a year, according to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University who has studied marriage sexless.
I recently spoke with Professor Donnelly how researchers not really understand sex marriages. Here is our conversation.
Is there any indication that the marriage without sex is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more?
I suspect that we just hear about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, have a marriage without sex was a means of limiting family size. It is also the time when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used as a bargaining tool in their marriage (because they have been socialized to do so). In addition, the unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sexual intercourse) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they raised.
Why become a sexless marriage? Does it start this way? Or does sex fade?
The answer is both. Some people in our sample have never had much sex from the beginning, while others have identified a particular time or event (Birth, Case), after which the sex slowed or stopped. Some people get used to their spouse, even boredom, and sex slows. For others, it is the demand to raise a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have a very low libido, and may even be asexual. They can have sex with their partners, to begin, but it becomes irrelevant to them (and usually not so little attention to their spouses). These people may also be dealing with guilt, problems with the human body, or think that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A few couples have shown a mixed model, where they have periods of “feast” and “famine”.
Couples are in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?
In general, yes. There is a relationship assessment in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex and more sex a couple has, the more they say. But keep in mind that sex is a form of intimacy, and that some couples are quite happy (and short), even without sex. In my 1993 study, I found that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than marriages in sexually active. There is no ideal level of sexual activity – the ideal level is that both partners are happy – and when one (or two) are not met, then you may have marital problems.
Can a marriage has become sexless revive their sex life?
Some do. But once the marriage has been without sex for a long period, it is very difficult. One or two may be very scared to hurt or rejection, or just completely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communication about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have difficulty talking about it. Couples who talk about their sex life (as well as other aspects of their marriage) tend to have healthier marriages, but it is difficult to get a couple to talk once they have established a non- communication.
Opinions are divided on what to do to revive sex outside marriage. For some couples it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, take a vacation or cruise, or just some time off, alone. Others may need help in the restoration of communication and may seek professional help. The sad reality is that there are few professional counselors who deal with this issue. Often marriage counselors to focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects can play an important role in sexual inactivity, speaks explicitly about sex is essential.
The people are in sexless marriages more likely to divorce?
In my studies, and other people in sexless marriages report they are more likely to have considered divorce, and they are less happy in their marriage.
Some of our older respondents were also in touch with me, and the happiest are those who have actually moved on to other partners. It is possible that the lack of sex is a signal that the privacy of a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know this may not be a popular idea with the religious right and politics, but it may be a better option than remaining in a marriage that is damaging and unfulfilling.
In sum, these situations are so complicated. Each couple must consider their specific history, their motives and objectives, and if it’s worth putting them to work back on sex in marriage. It can be difficult and require people to take emotional and physical measures that are not comfortable for them.
What are you looking to learn more about sexless marriages?
I hope to start work Longitudinal following couples over time, trying to better understand the processes they live, how they make decisions and how those decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I want to know how those who were able to repair their sex did.
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